


(Set Me Free) Remotivate Me

by flowersforgraves



Series: BTHB [6]
Category: Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell - Susanna Clarke
Genre: Bad Things Happen Bingo, Gen, Introspection, No Dialogue, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-21 01:50:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16150022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowersforgraves/pseuds/flowersforgraves
Summary: Jonathan thinks.





	(Set Me Free) Remotivate Me

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: self loathing + Jonathan Strange
> 
> (card [here](https://flowersforgraves.tumblr.com/post/177921515881/); current list of claimed and filled prompts [here](https://flowersforgraves.tumblr.com/post/178623216026/))

Being trapped in the darkness, as one might imagine, provides much opportunity for thought and self-reflection. Jonathan put this off as long as he could -- conversing with Mr Norrell, testing the limits of the darkness, dreaming of seeing Arabella after escaping, even setting himself mathematical conundrums. Despite his efforts, however, his mind eventually starts to drift towards the events that had led him to this point.

( _He announces himself at Mr Norrell’s Hurtfew residence for the very first time, and follows Childermass to the library._ )

( _He watches as Arabella’s coffin is lowered into the grave, and feels himself throw a shovelful of earth over the top as if he is merely an observer._ )

( _He sees William De Lancey pouring himself another drink, while the verbal bluster of the ‘magicians’ comes to the forefront of his concentration._ )

( _He stares deep into the murky liquid pooled in the bottom of his glass, steeling his nerves for the awful taste of the mouse._ )

( _He lets the sand run through his fingers for a moment, holding a moment of serenity in his heart despite the carnage around him._ )

( _He spins Arabella around in his arms, laughing as she leans against his chest and stands on her toes to kiss him._ )

It’s his fault. It’s his fault, it’s his problem, it’s his bad decisions that led to his own ruin. His fault that Arabella had been trapped in Lost Hope. His fault that he hadn’t even _noticed_ she was gone. His fault that Mr Norrell was quiet and withdrawn and had stopped speaking to him.

( _He steps into Lascelles’ space, forcing him to back down as he pushes a finger into the smaller man’s chest and bears down with the full force of England’s magic behind him._ )

( _He listens with half an ear as Arabella tells him about the Lady Pole’s artwork, the embroidered roses, the desperation in her eyes as she shows Arabella the needlework._ )

( _He raises his voice to Mr Norrell for the first time, upset and angry that he is being denied resources Mr Norrell has access to._ )

( _He shakes hands with Colquhoun Grant and notices the major’s smile, sharp white teeth against the brown coating of dust over his face._ )

( _He presses the heel of his hand into his eye socket, trying to stifle the headache that boils behind his sinuses._ )

( _He scans the first book Mr Norrell has given him eagerly, as if he is trying to drink in all the information before it disappears._ )

He will not make the same mistakes again. He will not allow himself to be distracted by anything from now on. He will turn his focus to escape, and he will repair things between himself and Norrell, and he will _not_ think about how he loves and misses Arabella. 

Not until then. Not until he has paid for his arrogance, for his impulsiveness, his tendencies to let his emotions rule his actions. 

He will set right what was broken, and _then_ he will be worthy to love her again.


End file.
